“Episode: The one where the chicken crossed the road”

“Jeff Goldplume”

Welcome back to the story of Jeff Goldplume. The significance of this name will become apparent very shortly. I need to set the scene for this one…..

After discovering that I had 15 VERY vocal Roosters on my property, I needed to act quickly to re home them! I posted them on local Facebook sites and contacted friends with farms. “How hard must it be to re home free fluffy chickens?” I said to myself. Weeks went by and not single bite. Things started to become serious. I began googling how to humanely cull chickens. After watching at least half a dozen, very detailed, tutorials on YouTube, I was now pretty certain that there was absolutely no way that I was going to be able to sacrifice them.

I had a few roosters that stood out in the crowd:

“Rodolfo” was a very tall and friendly male, “Jeff Goldplume” who was the most aggressive but pretty Rooster. Named after Jeff Goldblum because he had bright golden flecks through his plumage. “Speckles”, and “Freddie” who was a black frizzle silkie, named after Freddie Mercury as he looked like he was electrocuted.

Aside from those named above, I could barely tell the difference between the rest of them. Thankfully I managed to take 10 of the boys to a local waterfowl rescue, who kindly took them! But I still had 5 left stranded behind. I kept the prettiest boys in the hope that I would be more successful in finding homes for them.

Remember “Barb” who i mentioned previously? Well Barb adopted “Rodolfo”! He moved in with some bigger ladies and a Duck. “Speckles” moved in to a client’s house and had an entire harem of new wives!

Ok, so now I am down to just 3 Roosters:
“Freddie”, “Chicken with no name” and the notorious “Jeff bloody Goldplume”.
Jeff and I had a love hate relationship. Every time that I would go into the coop, he’d charge at me! I had to learn how to stand up to an 8 inch tall chicken. My friends would laugh as I argued with Jeff every day. He was just a stubborn ***hole! In the middle of summer I couldn’t go in there with out my wellington boots on because I am pretty sure he would sever my toes.

Out of the blue a friend contacted me on social media, (we’ll call him “Ron”) and said he knew someone that might take the remaining roosters! He reassured me that if she was unable to, he would cull them and cook them. I was so relieved! Ok- i’ll admit, also a bit said that they may meet a bloody end but that’s kind of part of real farming I told myself. I didn’t want to start getting fertilized eggs and if they didn’t go in the next week, that was likely to happen. So Ron and another friend of mine, (let’s call him Todd) came along one afternoon with a crate and collected the three little Roosters to meet their fate.

Ron told me that the lady didn’t get back to him so he and Todd were going to do the “man thing” and cook them. Ron also informed me that he grew up on a farm so it really wouldn’t be a big deal, he had done it 100 times! So with that being said, they packed them into the crate and off they drove. I had finally re homed all 15 roosters (remember that). No more roosters!!!!

I went about my business, fed my remaining ladies for the next few days in blissful silence. Then one sunny afternoon I started receiving messages on my phone. One after another. Each one was the same screen shot titled “Is this your chicken?”…….

I opened up the screen shot and who else could it be, posted directly from the Animal control page, but Jeff bloody Goldplume!!!!!!!!!!

“Bex have you lost one of your chickens?” or “Do you want another chicken?” they all asked. Issue was Jeff was so unique looking there was absolutely no denying that was my chicken! It was literally like a mug shot. My instant reaction ….. “No, not my chicken!!!!” …. I had to slap myself…. “Bex!!!! What are you saying – that’s Jeff!? I thought to myself, feeling so guilty. Then it dawned on me, Jeff was supposed to be dead, cooked, slathered in barbecue sauce or on a skewer along side a pepper and couple of zucchini slices.

I immediately picked up the phone and text “Todd”…..

‘I’m going to kill you!!!!!!!!”

Text to “Todd”

It took a little while to get a reply, but finally Todd called me and after a few seconds of silence calmly said “Why?”.

“Because my bloody chicken is currently impounded at the local animal control and they are trying to find his owner!!!”
Todd erupted into laughter. I asked him “What happened? I thought you were going to kill him?!”

Well I think what happened is that Ron and Todd “chickened” out…..

Turns out Jeff Goldplume was too much for them to handle and made a quick getaway! Not sure where he was trying to get to, as he was about 9 miles away, but a member of the public saw him crossing the road heading back towards home!

Knowing that he was probably lost. They kindly dropped him to the local animal control and they began looking for his owners ….
( now named “Ron and Todd” ).

Lesson learnt: Never trust a guy who says he grew up on a farm.